If you watch some of the pay-movie channels late at night, you'll sometimes run across these really soft porn movies. They're a trademark offering on Cinemax, but even Showtime and some of the others will sneak them in every so often.A lot of the "movies" run maybe seventy minutes or so, and often have some vaguely trendy title or description. Not that it makes any more interesting, due to the fact that they include just enough sex to disappoint viewers looking for a really porn movie. But they include too many breast manipulation shots to interest those viewers who dislike the sexier side of cable life.
I'm not saying that I was bored tonight, but I did DVR and later watch "Cleavagefield," an obvious "tribute" to the J.J. Abrams film "Cloverfield." Now in its defense, "Cleavagefield" has a plot about as believeable as the movie that was its inspiration. But wow, you've got to work hard to make sex boring and forgettable. But somehow "Cleavagefield" manages to do that within about ten minutes.
The movie begins with some "Cloverfield-like" notices about the following film having been found near what "used to be called la-la land." Yep. That's the level of wit you're gonna find in this film.Much of the movie is shot by one guy, who engages some quick bedroom sex before moving on to a party in a near-L.A. warehouse district. This party seems to be comprised entirely of moderately skanky strippers and few creepy guys. There's a lot of remarkably unsexy woman-on-woman action before the monster shows up.
After that, the plot follows basically one thread for the rest of the movie. Our camera guy and his four older, trampy stripper-friends run down the same street. There's always some danger that drives the women into an office where they can seduce a security guard or take a group shower in a convieniently located gym. There's even an appearance by three guys who claim to be the Army. And a nurse who offers to take off her clothes so her patient will "be more comfortable."
And the amazing thing is that the sex is uniformly boring. Part of it is due to the fact that--to be blunt--we're not dealing with the most attractive women in the adult film world. Yes, they all have impressively large fake breasts. But if there was ever a movie that proved that isn't enough to be interesting, "Cleavagefield" does the trick.
While I realize that the scripts of even the best adult movies are serviceable at best, this one is bad enough to elicit groans. And not the good kind. There are jokes about Burbank and Paris Hilton and it all comes off like a bad stag film from the late 1950s.
Alright, enough of this. If I'm gonna watch soft porn, I want it to at least be a bit distracting. All "Cleavagefield" did was make me cranky. Which usually isn't all that much of a turn-on for my wife.
taken from here
